A silly little blog for me to drop the excrement of my mind.
Published on November 10, 2006 By BlueDev In Writing
He stood at the edge of the precipice.  Thousands of feet below, he could no longer make out individual trees in the carpet of brown and green that filled the canyon floor.  Updrafts of sweltering air caressed his bare skin, ready to enfold him in a lover's embrace.  The pungent aroma of the desert filled his every breath.  He inhaled deeply, smelling, tasting, relishing nature's banquet.
 
Looking over the edge, he let the rock fall from his hand.  Fascinated, he watched it plummet, spinning, twisting, twirling to the ground below.  He chuckled to himself as he wondered if larger, more massive objects did the same.
 
For years now, life had been empty.  He had tried just about every drug out there.  All left him nonplussed.  Music, television, movies and even the internet held no appeal.  For a brief time, he thought identity theft and corporate hacking might provide some interest, some intrigue that would fill the gaping void he felt.  Yet even that left him wanting.  Women bored him and men were even worse, so predictable, so literal.
 
Life had become utterly without purpose.  He had experienced it all, and it all left him unfulfilled.
 
Or so he thought.
 
A smile spread across his face as he remembered back one year ago today.  The idea had come to him in a moment of brilliance, of clarity, of comprehension so pure he knew without doubt that he had come across that answer he had been seeking.
 
And so the search began.  For the past year he had been studying the geography of the Earth.  He had traveled the world many times over, making sure he found the ideal place.  It was almost ironic that he had ended up right back where he started, having come full circle to return to the Grand Canyon.  His search had begun here, and here it had ended.  It was perfect.
 
A chill ran over him, his skin prickling in response despite the heat of the summer evening.  His heart raced with anticipation as he prepared to plumb the deepest of life's mysteries.  With a 3,000 foot sheer wall of rock beneath him, he figured he had about 20 seconds.
 
He calmly walked back to the stereo he had brought with him.  Beethoven's 9th was a clarion call in the wilderness.  The sun kissed the horizon behind him, setting the sky on fire.  With all his energy, with all his strength, with all the passion he had never felt for so many years, he threw himself into the void.
 
And for 20 wondrous, blissful seconds he contemplated death.

Comments (Page 2)
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on Nov 12, 2006
I'm sorry if my comments were unwelcome. I retract the entire statement "exceedingly feeble IMO but a good attempt."

I thought opinions were welcome. I didn't state it as fact, but again if it offended the author or any of you I'm sorry.

I've been accused of trolling. What's trolling?

If it is offering my opinion that makes trolling, then I'm sorry, I won't offer it in this thread.

One question for ya if it's ok for me to ask. Where does the story go from there? What happens when the guy is dead? Won't be selling many 1 page stories I don't think. If the goal is like art, just to write the story because it's there then that's cool. I won't judge if you don't want me to I just gave a straight answer as to what I thought of it.
on Nov 12, 2006
It's great to have an opinion Dan. But constructive criticism is what is needed. Just saying something is a 'nice try' is a bit crass. Why do you think so? What are you basing your opinion on?

If the author knows that, he or she may incorporate what you say to make their writing better, or they may blow you off as a nut. The point is to help JU writers better their skills..not just tell us we suck. hahahahaha.

It's a club for people who like to write and for those who like to READ and give feedback...or just read, whatever.

At least I believe that is what Maso had in mind.
on Nov 12, 2006

Tova: Excellent!  That is exactly the kind of feedback I was hoping for.  Passive voice regularly vexes me.  I use it far too often, but stepped away from this kind of writing long enough, I just let it slip back in.  Thanks for the critique.

Dan: Criticism is welcome.  But something as worthless as "Exceedingly feeble" serves no purpose.  If you have something to add, please, add.  But, if all you want to do is trash something, without offering feedback to allow for improvement, then no, that is not welcome.  And the object was to write a short story.  His death is the end.  There is no where for the story to go.  That was my plan from the beginning.  I have no plans to try to sell anything.  My more-than-full-time job is enough right now.

on Nov 12, 2006
That is exactly the kind of feedback I was hoping for.


My pleasure...  
on Nov 13, 2006
Dan,

The point of the JU Writers Club is to create a forum where people who enjoyed fiction writing, as an artform, could post pieces, provide constructive feedback, critique and inspire each other in a positive environment. I don't think any of us have any aspirations to sell any of the pieces we're writing here. Even if some do entertain those thoughts, the idea not to create rifts but help build bridges. As BlueDev hasn't taken any offence and, in fact, has received some great positive feedback from Tova, things have worked out fine.

Don't worry about the 'troll' thing, because a troll wouldn't have apologised as graciously as you have.

Tova,

I'd love you to have a look at my work too. I'd like to know if my closeness to the pieces clouds some grammatical or form problems.
on Nov 13, 2006
Cool Tova, please point me in the direction where you have your stuff hosted,

This is all my opinion, if thats ok. If my comments are helpful in helping you write better, then cool. If they are harmful just tell me to stop and I shall.

If your goal, BlueDev, was to write a brief story for just writing it then you have suceeded, in my opinion in the writing of the end of one.

My favorite short story is by Jack London, it's been years since I read it, but it's about a man who tries to make it to a base camp in the cold, bitter cold. I think it's about 40 or 50 pages, but it captures a beginning, a middle and an end.

Flaws
I think one of the major short-coming of your storys is there is no middle or beginning. Your character, is pointless to the reader. nobody cares anything about a guy called "he".

"For years now, life had been empty"

Why had it been empty?

"He had tried just about every drug out there."

Why had he tried every drug out there?

"Music, television, movies and even the internet held no appeal."

Why did they hold no appeal?

"Women bored him and men were even worse, so predictable, so literal."

Why don't women interest him, for men, it's because they are so predictable and literal, ok, but women aren't men, clearly. At this poing your chacter "he" has left the realm of plausability because, there is no character that appeals, who has any depth, who is interested in nothing.

"Life had become utterly without purpose. He had experienced it all, and it all left him unfulfilled."

More implausability because it is impossible to exprience it all, you could write, 'he felt that he had exprienced it all, or he felt he had exprienced it all, in every way.'

Plot
"He" became borded with life because there weren't enough things for he to do, and so he decided to commit suicide in dramatic fashion. Ok that's a plot, but why should your reader care?

Strengths
Use of Good Foreshadow, "Looking over the edge, he let the rock fall from his hand."

A complete end to a story, it wasn't just "the end" when you got bored of it. Takes guts to write the end of the story without knowing how you get there. I would imagine your readers would like to know what your characters's name is, how he got to the grand canyon, why he finds life so boring when most of us find it so interesting. In my opinion, most characters are very similar to our own character, they relate to us, yet your character doesn't have a job, or family, or anybody who cares about him, he seems to have no traits except being male and having an affinity of classical music and describing smells, and he just jumps off a cliff. To me, again aplogy in advance, that is exceedingly feeble.

on Nov 13, 2006
Tova,

I'd love you to have a look at my work too. I'd like to know if my closeness to the pieces clouds some grammatical or form problems.


I'd love too dyna and will get to it today or tomorrow, my husband is leaving and things are nuts here.

please point me in the direction where you have your stuff hosted


No way Hose'. hahahahahaha.

Here is my first try with this type group.WWW Link">Link

Actually I am writing a story, which I call Cade for lack of a better title at this time, and you can find it here. Be warned, its long...buwhahahahaha.

[link="http://lifehappens.joeuser.com/index.asp?AID=89376"]WWW Link

It starts here and there are like thirty some chapters.

Have fun reading!  
on Nov 13, 2006

Dan: I appreciate the further input.  Of course, as the author, I don't agree with some of it, but mostly because I suppose I am the only one who really understood what I wanted with this.

Calling it a story is unfair to real stories.  All I was going for was an attempt to capture a moment.  Nothing more.  I don't want the reader to "care" about the character, I don't want them to know him, I don't want them to mourn or celebrate his ending.  I just wanted them to be there for that moment, nothing more.  The beginning and middle are left to the reader to fill in if they desire, however their imagination might lead them. 

on Nov 14, 2006
gotcha
on Nov 14, 2006
I don't think any of us have any aspirations to sell any of the pieces we're writing here.


Im considering myself lucky you guys read mine   
on Nov 14, 2006
Hey, this is pretty darn good.

I relive those 20 seconds every night
on Nov 14, 2006
I don't think any of us have any aspirations to sell any of the pieces we're writing here.


Ahem . . . I already got the book deal and movie rights. Party time!
on Nov 14, 2006
Again, Dan, I do appreciate your comments, and have already started to consider them with some actual stories I am writing.  Thanks again.
on Nov 18, 2006
Well there you are then, I'd rather you challenge me and get a good response on something then just hand it to you anyway, especially if my list of improvement on a simple set of paragraphs wasn't necessarily welcome in the first place.

I'm glad it worked out, have a great weekend.
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