-or- The pain of expectations
As some of you know I am currently in my second year of medical school at Duke. We do things a bit different here, we cram the normal two years of classes into our first so we can get on the wards and clinics in our second year, rather than waiting for our third. This carries with it numerous advantages. We have a lot more time to think on what type of residency we want to apply to, and even have a year in which we can do research in that field (if we want to).
I worked for a number of years in an OR while in undergrad, and had significant opportunities to see multiple sub-specialties of surgery in action. And I really thought I loved orthopedics. The surgeries were cool, and there was a decent variety, from fractures, to joint replacements, to sports injuries. And, to be quite honest, orthopedics is often viewed as a prestigious specialty.
Never mind that all but one of the orthopods (yeah, I know that is incorrect) were arrogant, chauvinistic, and pompous freaks. I figured they were unusual in that regard.
So when it came time to do my surgery rotation I jumped at the chance to spend a couple weeks on ortho. The first day was all right, but something didn't feel quite right. The second day I was miserable. The third was even worse. I didn't understand it, I thought I loved it. I had been telling people for a couple years now that I was interested in ortho, with all the oohs and aahs that go along with that.
Why was I miserable than?
After about 3-4 days it hit my why. Deep down inside, in the part that really knows who I am, I didn't want to be an orthopod. And I was fighting with myself about that. Consciously I wasn't ready to accept that, even though I knew it was the truth. I can't really say why I was trying to convince myself to still do it. I think it was pride, the desire to go into a cool and prestigious specialty. But I knew for sure why I didn't want to go into it anymore. Just like back in Utah, the orthopods were the most misogynistic, chauvinistic people I had ever met. They loved to leer at the nurses, talk about how they would love to hook up with so and so (all married BTW), and basically objectify women while complaining that more women were being accepted into the program. They simply were not the type of people I would want to be around.
And the specialty itself just was not for me. I want to be a doctor who actually knows medicine, not just someone who plays with bones until they look nice. And they loved to brag about the fact the forgot all their basic medicine! As much as I would like to think otherwise, I knew I couldn't spend 5 years in that sort of environment and not have it affect me.
You know what? The second I consciously admitted I didn't want to go into ortho I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
I have now found where I think I am going to fit. Sure, when people ask me what I am interested in now they don't go "Wow" like they did with ortho. Now they often say "really?". Once I tell them why they often can see the many benefits, but it isn't that immediate rush of pride. And I am glad. I don't think pride is a good thing, and it has taken some humility for me to change plans and set out in a different direction. It wasn't a very comfortable experience, but I am glad I went through it.
I feel really good about it now. Really good.
And so does my wife, and that tells me a lot.