I'm a mechanic, not a woobie!

-or- learning to feel in order to fix

Published on September 25, 2004 By BlueDev In Marital Issues

I have a problem. It is really a simple one, but one that has plagued me all of my marriage thus far (only 6 years and change). And I have recognized this problem for some time now, so it isn't news. Heck, my wife and I have talked about it as well. So she is privy to the problem.

The truth is, I am a mechanic.

And it infuriates my wife to no end sometimes. I understand why as well. My wife is a very emotional person. It is one of the things that attracted me to her in the first place. She feels things very strongly, more strongly than I can really understand. She has taught me a lot about feeling, but I still come up short in many regards. Me, I fix things. I can see it all over in my life. If things aren't running smoothly with some project I am working on I can't help but step up and make some change. My choice in careers directly relates to this need in me to fix things.

But at times my way of fixing things just isn't the right answer. There are times when my wife's needs don't fit into my standard box of tools and tricks. It doesn't matter if I can see an easy solution to problem at hand. That isn't what she needs. What she needs is a woobie.

And it is taking me a long time to figure that out.

The mechanic in me sees the problem, knows the solution, and sets to work. If the problem isn't apparent then I dig. I find out what the source of the clanking noise is, then remedy it. But the last thing I think of is giving the car a hug. That's what gets me in trouble. A problem comes up and I immediately start digging, analyzing, remedying. What I forget is that the solution is much, much easier than that. She just needs a hug.

I love giving my wife hugs. I really do. And I love it when she hugs me too. But when I have a problem that is not my solution. That is something my wife is learning as well. In the heat of it, it is best to give me a bit of space in which to work, to find that solution. And so, in this adventure of love, life and marriage she and I learn more about each other. We work together, we adjust. She learns that sometimes, when every instinct of hers is to just hold me she needs to give me a bit of space.

And learn that there are, in fact, times when a woobie can fix much, much more than a mechanic ever could.

Comments

The Crusaders

on Sep 27, 2004

What's a woobie??

Sounds like your very much like my other half and I'm a lot like your wife....so I can totally relate.
Relationships are never easy...it's a matter of time and learning about each others moods and reactions to events and situations in life.

The truth is, I am a mechanic.

And it infuriates my wife to no end sometimes. I understand why as well.

Now...I don't understand how this is a problem....? But are you more so meaning that you take this mechanical side into your emotional life?

I love hugs and as a woman sometimes I feel that this is not noticed by my partner...as hugs are not necesarily his bag....and somtimes I feel that a hug may make me feel safe and loved and cared for but from his point of view I am somewhat smothering him....amazing how that one action can have two totally different sides of the coin.

But really....isn't this getting to know how each other works really one of the greatest parts of making a commitment to another. And to find such differences is not a negative but a positive as you learn about something you may never had thought about thanks to the contrasts that you and your partner have.

BlueDev

on Sep 27, 2004

Now...I don't understand how this is a problem....?

Yeah, the problem is sometimes when what she needs is a hug I haven't figured that out and have broken out the whole toolbox. We are getting to understand each other, but I still miss the boat and try to fix when what she needs is for me to feel. I like to think I am getting better, but still struggle at times.

Oh, and a woobie is a term for any sort of comfort giving thing that kids have. I first heard it used in the movie "Mr. Mom". It is what the youngets son calls his blanket that he clutches for comfort.

Angloesque

on Sep 27, 2004

I've only been married a few months and H is driving me crazy because he always wants to figure out how to "fix" things, and there's nothing more infuriating than being asked, while in the midst of a towering temper, what can be done to fix it. Grr. The answer is, nothing. Let me be mad (I clean when I'm mad, so it's actually very productive) and I'll get over it and we can move on.

So I guess H would identify with you. I can't understand why you men aren't more psychic....

-A.

The Crusaders

on Sep 27, 2004

Men and women are very different aren't they??
So..in the same context where your wife just needs a hug and you get out the toolbox...from your perspective, are there times when you need your wife to bring her tool box instead of a hug?

But ..I guess.. the facts are that we all go through our lives from our own perspectives and though we can momentarily look through anothers point of view at certain points in time..we simply can't keep it up longterm as then we would not be ourselves.....

Let me be mad (I clean when I'm mad, so it's actually very productive) and I'll get over it and we can move on.

I don't ever really get mad about anything ...but if I've got something on my mind I need the time to think about..I will be cleaning....and it is a very productive process...'killing two birds with one stone'.. so to speak. I also find that no one disturbs you which is perfect for the thought process.....I guess they think if they bother you while you're cleaning you might just rope them into a little work....

citahellion

on Sep 28, 2004

You've gotta expand the range of your toolbox and remember that a hug is sometimes the first tool that you should reach for.

BlueDev

on Sep 28, 2004

I can't understand why you men aren't more psychic....

I haven't figured that out yet either. I think it would be extremely helpful at times. Pain in the but at other times.

from your perspective, are there times when you need your wife to bring her tool box instead of a hug?

Actually, there are times I need her to give me some space instead of the hug. It gives me a chance to go over things in my head and figure out where to go from there.

You've gotta expand the range of your toolbox and remember that a hug is sometimes the first tool that you should reach for.

That got an insightful. It is so true. I often forget it because it isn't a tool that works the same for me. Gotta remember better that different tools for different machines. And women are certainly different than men.

Texas Wahine

on Sep 28, 2004

This is a great post, BlueDev.

Many times I hear people say that the longer a relationship lasts, the less "in love" the couple is. There are always jokes about how bad marriage is and how unhappy people are to be married. I find it to be the opposite. The more time that passes, the more we learn about loving each other and meeting each others' needs. I think marriage gets better and better with time.

It sounds like you are a terrific husband and father, always trying to improve and be the best you can be for your family.

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