My secret fear

Published on April 8, 2005 By BlueDev In Misc

I have a secret fear. Some might say it is a weakness, and I would tend to agree with them. Others often think I am making it up, and I often wish I was.

I can be very self-defeating.

As far back as my memory serves me this has been the case. Growing up I was never very athletic. I quit playing soccer at the age of 5 because I was afraid of the ball. I participated in PE in school, but didn't enjoy it. I just never felt comfortable. My self-esteem was always quite low.

I could talk to just about anyone without problem. But I didn't make close friends with them. I had a few good friends and that was about it. I had glasses, freckles, and was just basically nerdy. Smart, but never the smartest, I often engaged in frequent bouts of self-flagellation. My imagination was my lifeline, the time when I was the smartest, when I was the best, when I was the person everyone wanted to be around.

As I have grown I have changed as well. But I haven't shaken this low self-esteem. Often I come across as a little over-confident, probably trying to compensate. Not wanting to show weakness, too many times I figuratively puff out my chest in a display of strength that inside I am just not feeling.

Still smart, but definitely not the smartest (I am surrounded by some truly brilliant people on a daily basis), I still find opportunities to defeat myself. Just yesterday I had a meeting with my advisory dean. I had myself convinced that he was going to tell me not to go into Urology (as it is a rather competitive field), but to pick something a little easier to get into. And while the meeting was the exact opposite, it still bothers me that I made myself just a little sick to my stomach thinking about the meeting, preparing for the worst.

Little by little I think I shake it off. I notice that certain aspects of what used to be my facade have actually become reality. And I think I manage to hide my low self-esteem quite well, but sometimes that just makes it even harder.

Can't let anyone see the chink in my armor. I just hope someday I don't feel the constant need to wear that armor.

Comments

foreverserenity

on Apr 08, 2005

I totally understand your feelings on this. It's so easy for someone to think in this manner and not look on the positive side of things. There will always be a fear of the unknown (or the known) especially when your expectations of what you really want is so high and you just hate to be disappointed. Self expectation is high, reality of reaching those goals, sometimes not so high in your own eyes. But it is just so good when things turn out the way we least expect them to isn't it?

I'm trying to get rid of my tendencies to sobotage myself in thinking that way too. I find when I think positively, things always turn out for the better. Unfortunately I always have to talk myself into being this way.

BlueDev

on Apr 09, 2005

Self expectation is high, reality of reaching those goals, sometimes not so high in your own eyes. But it is just so good when things turn out the way we least expect them to isn't it?

That can be so true! I manage to not fall into it too much, but some days I slip back into the old, self-depracating mode. Working on it though.

Angloesque

on Apr 09, 2005

I do this. You call it self-defeating, which is probably more correct than my generic "cynicism" term. But it's a defense mechanism, because I'm usually pleasantly surprised by an outcome after having convinced myself of the worst.

Glad the meeting with your adviser went well.

-A.

BlueDev

on Apr 10, 2005

But it's a defense mechanism, because I'm usually pleasantly surprised by an outcome after having convinced myself of the worst.

That is what it is with me as well. I often get myself all worked up over how bad something is going to go, only to have it turn out much better. Prepare for the worst I suppose. . .

Still, I don't like doing as much as I do.

island_gurl12

on Apr 10, 2005

Hey how did you get this little icon up there on your comments box? That is so COOL!

Anyway, as for your article, i think we all need to be humble. But dont let your low self esteem bring you down. Look at how much you have achieved man! You should be as proud of yourself as your loved ones are. You're the MAN!

dynamaso

on Apr 13, 2005

BlueDev, I gave up wearing armour a long time ago. The problem with wearing it is when you sweat pee your pants in fear, the armour becomes rusted and very stiff. Then you have even more problems protecting yourself...

But seriously, I work hard everyday at not allowing myself to even think negatively. It requires diligence, determination and gumption (my new favourite word). It also requires an understanding that no matter how many times you fail, you never look at yourself as a failure. I think this would probably be one of the keys to my personal happiness.

Cheers,

Maso (The Eternal Optimist)

BlueDev

on Apr 13, 2005

It also requires an understanding that no matter how many times you fail, you never look at yourself as a failure. I think this would probably be one of the keys to my personal happiness.

I think that is a very profound thought. It is something I try to do as well, but don't necessarily succeed in. Too many years of being self-defeating to shake just like that. But I am working on it.

dynamaso

on Apr 13, 2005

I think many people suffer from a fear of failure, so much so they're not willing to try new things or take risks. I've known people in the past whose favourite expression had been 'Why bother', said as a statement rather than a question.

The very fact you are studying, raising a family, discussing your spirituality with accursed agnostics like me and posting some great thoughts indicates to me you are not at all scared or fearful of giving something a go. You do bother and it is a really strong personal trait.

But I am working on it

Me too, everyday.

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