-or- when is it just giving up?
We stand at a crossroads. Behind us is the path down which we have walked for the past nine months. There are many bumps in that road, more than our fair share I feel at times. But who can really say just how many bumps is fair? I suppose no one can.
Before us we see two roads. Both extend toward that interminable horizon. Both have plenty of bumps along the way. Both involve loss, though loss of very different kinds. We might wish the choice will be made for us. I doubt it will be. I may even pray and beg to God that the choice be made for us. But the God I believe in allows us to choose for ourselves what path we take.
One road has our household diminishing in size by one. It pains me to say it, but that is the path I long to walk. The other path is the continuation of where we have been. And the pain of walking that road has been too great recently. The anguish is more than I feel I can bear, and still be sane. Yet leaving this current path feels as though we are giving up, throwing in the towel, just rolling over.
So when is giving up not really giving up? I can't answer that. I know I don't have the energy to move on as we are for much longer. I find myself losing my temper more easily with my own children because of the anger, frustration and exhaustion exacted by caring for another. The wounds are open wide, and I feel my wife and I are bleeding our life-blood away. I am not willing to do that to my children, I am not willing to do that to my wife.
But how do I know when throwing in the towel is the right thing to do? I don't know if I ever can know, I just have to trust we make the right decision.