Shocking new data!

Published on January 15, 2006 By BlueDev In Humor

Lately I have had one shocking experience after another. Often, I have multiple in one day. My wife has been having many shocking experiences lately as well. And today, at Church, I witnessed yet another. Shocking experiences all over the place.

Literally.

Dang static electricity.

But seriously, for reasons I do not understand, I have been getting shocked with an heretofore unknown frequency and severity. Why, just the other day I was running on the treadmill and my hand hit a metal screw, I just about fell off. Shocking. However, as the following will point out, it hasn't all been in my head.

January 15, 2006
Durham, North Carolina - "Static Guard" prices may soon jump. That bit of news is thanks new studies coming out of the US today. Phulabul Laboratories, based out of North Carolina, have a new report that states that the static electricity of the world is increasing at an alarming rate.

"Yes, we do believe that the results of our data analysis demonstrate, quite clearly, that there is simply more static electricity in the world these days," stated Phil T. Lyre, President, CEO, and principal researcher at the oft maligned corporation.

Yet, reports have been coming in from all over. Skirts and slacks seem to have some extra cling these days, with "Bounce" and other fabric softeners reaping the rewards. Socks are sticking to the sides of dryers with greater frequency, sparks are flying all over town, and younger brothers are taking full advantage, tormenting their sisters with arcing blasts of electricity.

"We believe it has to do with the increasing viscosity of the Earth's atmosphere. As the population increases, so does the use of hair spray the world over. As we are all aware, hair spray makes hair more stiff and increases the resistance. The increasing amounts found in the air the world over are likewise increasing the viscosity of the air. As the Earth spins through this, static electricity is built up, only to be transferred to us, its unlucky inhabitants," reports Mr. Lyre.

While not a global crisis yet, people at Phulabul Laboratories are quite concerned about the possible ramifications of this increase in the Earth's level of static electricity. Alarmists discuss the possibility of knocking the planet out of orbit if the jolt from the discharge is strong enough. But other experts disagree.

"Phulabul Labs is just a bunch of quacks. Don't take anything they say seriously," is the word from researchers at the firms competitor, Weegotnutn Industries.

But with the empirical evidence building up, who's to say which story is more shocking?

Comments

Gideon MacLeish

on Jan 15, 2006

Sounds like Phulabul labs is a major funding source for IPSOA research statistics!

MasonM

on Jan 15, 2006

Yeah, hairspray, that's it alright

BlueDev

on Jan 15, 2006

Sounds like Phulabul labs is a major funding source for IPSOA research statistics!

Phulabul does their part! I know Phil T. Lyre personally.

Yeah, hairspray, that's it alright

They say it reduces static. I say they are full of bull.

lifehappens

on Jan 15, 2006

Phulabul put out the Truth behind Global Warming Report last year....you heard about it, right? The oil being drilled out of the earth has increased and now there isn't enough lubrication between the techtonic plates and that friction is the REAL cause of global warming....

MasonM

on Jan 15, 2006

The oil being drilled out of the earth has increased and now there isn't enough lubrication between the techtonic plates and that friction is the REAL cause of global warming....

I LOVE it!!!! Best one I've heard yet.

BlueDev

on Jan 15, 2006

LH: That ruled. Most excellent!

dynamaso

on Jan 15, 2006

Good article, mate. Great responses too. I'm going to remember and use the tectonic plate theory (so long as LH doesn't mind).

In response to this dire problem, I am forming the Anti-hairspray League or AHSL, for short. If you would like to be an AHSL, please send me your details and a blank signed cheque. Then I'll show you how to get the most out of being an AHSL.

BlueDev

on Jan 15, 2006

In response to this dire problem, I am forming the Anti-hairspray League or AHSL, for short. If you would like to be an AHSL, please send me your details and a blank signed cheque. Then I'll show you how to get the most out of being an AHSL.

Brilliant idea. I would like to join. And, as they say, the cheque's in the mail.

Dr Guy

on Jan 16, 2006

The oil being drilled out of the earth has increased and now there isn't enough lubrication between the techtonic plates and that friction is the REAL cause of global warming....

I LOVE it!!!! Best one I've heard yet.

I second Mason!

Demosthenes Locke

on Jan 17, 2006

Has anyone ever heard of getting a burn from static electricity? I touched doorknob one day, and the static charge was so intense that people standing several feet away heard the crack from it and one person saw the flash as the electrons jumped. It left a little hole in the tip of my finger about the width of a pin. It healed after a few days, when the skin grew out. But in that interim, the hole remained open and visible, as if it had been cauterized.

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